you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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