First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
