Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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