After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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