Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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