the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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