I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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