He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
