I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
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