i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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