Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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