If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
