He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
