Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
