Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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