i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
