My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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