You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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