Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
