Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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