i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
