Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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