How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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