youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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