please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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