so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
