the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
