We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Randomize
