I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Randomize
