On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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