You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
