I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
