i already hear my dad disowning me
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Still dying that you shit outside
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
