dude i'm inner monologue high
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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