I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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