Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
