The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
