his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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