My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
