accomplished twins. life is a go
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
