Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
