I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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