i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
