I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
