Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
