Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
did i just pee glitter
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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