drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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