Pants 0. Shit 1.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I lost the right to judge tonight
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
