I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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