I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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