The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
