RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
