My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
